Monday, September 9, 2013

My Story: Bullying

I bet you have been told one or two of the statements above and then some, haven't you? It doesn't feel good, does it? And yet, it does not stop many people from stooping to that level. The level of hurting others with words and actions. It's not just children, because they have to learn it from somewhere.This post serves as a bit of a trigger for me, but if this post can help just one person...well then, it's worth it.

My story of bullying from peers started in second grade. I was almost always the fattest girl in my class. I did not wear the right clothes. Whatever they could point out about me, they did. I did not fight back, though. I just took it, because I was terrified of it getting worse if I did anything else. I'd come home crying in my bedroom alone and I never told anyone. I would go back to school the next day with a smile on my face and try again to be accepted.

By middle school, it was really catching up to me. I became depressed and kept thinking of suicide. I'd sit in the bath and go underwater for as long as I could and think about not coming back up for air. I'd sit with a razor blade and just cry. I immersed myself in school clubs, band, and my studies. It's when I sat down and let my mind wonder that I had problems, so I stayed busy. I had several good friends that are the reason that I am still here today and they are each still in my life.

In high school, I joined marching band and that was the best decision I could have made at that time. We did not make fun of each other, we all became family. I suddenly had over 100 friends that only offered me support. With that group, I gained self-esteem. I gained a backbone. When you had something nasty to say about me or a friend, I had something to say back. I never took it to the level of making fun of someone, but instead said that they would no longer be allowed to make fun of me.

I still focused all of my attention on the clubs, band, and my studies but because I wanted to, not because I had to. I forgave those that made my life hell and became friends with a good number of them. Heck, most of them are on my Facebook! I have never forgotten and never will, but it made me who I am. I'm not saying it is easy to shrug it all off, it's not. It takes a lot more effort to forgive and not dish it back than it ever will to turn around and join the club.

With all of this and certain things that I dealt with in my home life, I gathered quite a backbone. Oh yes, I'm very sensitive and will cry at the drop of a pin but I also don't take any nonsense. I gained a lot of self-esteem from all of this and as a result, I've become quite comfortable in my own skin. For a long time, I let people tear me down and eat away at me and I bounced back. I have lived my life with love in my heart and a smile on my face.

Why this sudden story time? Because sometimes with this blog, I get hate. I'm sure most of my fellow bloggers reading this are nodding their heads. Voicing our opinions, our life, or our hobbies on a public space opens us up to be ridiculed. Usually, it is over the dumbest reasons. As a matter of fact, I just came across some negative words aimed at me on a forum. Here's the thing- most of the words were true and nothing I have ever denied or hidden. So I had a big laugh over them last night. But things like this can really hurt and it needs to stop.

People think that anonymity means they can say what they want. What is funny is that when I allowed anyone to post on here, the hate comments were always anonymous. Always. I took off anonymous commenting and the hate stopped on here. Here's one thing about me- when I comment about something online, I make sure I say something that I can have my name on and stand behind and never do it anonymously. If you can't do that, you need to reevaluate who you are.

So I'm just going to take a moment and give her and her friends the spotlight they wanted, but I'm doing it on my terms. I'm poking fun at myself, not them. Because if you don't find humor in certain situations, it is too easy to go those dark places. Laugh it off and hold your head up!

1. I enjoy bows. I enjoy pink. I enjoy all things girly. I did not realize that this is something that we need to grow out of. I'm sorry...let me go get my crochet needles and rocking chair. I forgot I'm not allowed to like girlish things after my vagina started bleeding and I became a woman.

2. Disney. Oh man, I was totally unaware that it was a sin to love Disney after childhood. Whoa, a lot of us are horrible people. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch Finding Nemo while wearing my Cinderella tiara after this.

3. Nail polish. Gosh, I do love nail polish though. Do I have a history of biting my nails? Absolutely and it has been my mechanism for dealing with stress and anxiety. I've since gotten a lot better about it, which I talk about here.

4. Makeup. Honestly, I do have a lot of makeup. It comes with the territory of beauty blog posts. However, my collection is not as big as many think. I give away a lot of my makeup and beauty items not being used to a local girls home to abused women and homeless teens. I talk about that here, as well. And I also do several Project 5 or 10 Pans and spending bans. Though I don't know why any of this really matters...

5. Always has a health issue. I guess you're referring to my chronic migraines and PCOS, both of which are permanent health conditions. It's funny because I actually rarely complain about them. They live with me everyday, so I can't exactly shake them off. Would you like to feel really good about digging into me about this? The PCOS has made me infertile. I really want a child and I may not be able to have one. After months of trying, there has been no luck.

6. Constant haul posts. Odd, I don't recall doing a haul post for quite some time. Though I do have one coming up from Disney when my sister-in-law gets back with my souvenirs. You might want to stay away from that post since you seem to not care for Disney (or hauls) much. Oops! Oh and hey, it's okay that you don't like my fashion tastes or style. Fashion is objective. I don't like everyone's personal style either, but that is what makes it interesting.

7. My husband. I don't make him take me anywhere or buy me anything. He has a mind of his own. And yes, he is older than me by 19 years. We are not ashamed of this and we have a wonderful relationship. If I were such a horrible person to him, I doubt very much that we'd still be together and celebrating ten years next year.

8. My age. I am 29. Again, nothing I have ever hidden. I'm proud of every single one of those years.

9. I don't just sit around and swatch makeup. Actually, I run a craft business with my mother-in-law. I do a lot of work and enjoy what I do.

10.  I'm so very sorry that my existence causes you pain. It must be so hard to click that little "x" and exit the screen. I'm sorry that your social calendars have been slacking so much that you and your friends have nothing better to do than "hate read" my blog, as you put it. I hope that changes for you so that you can go out and enjoy more things that you would love more than my blog!

11. Oh and since you didn't like that I bought a Katy Perry perfume and this happens to be a perfectly fitting song for the occasion...

I'm still standing with my head held high. Can bullies, haters, or whatever choice word you call them say that? We only have one life and it is too short for behavior like this. There is always a choice between love and hate. I will personally always choose love, because it will always make a difference and win in the end. Be on the winning side!


Unknown said...

What a great post. You can really hold your head high with the dignified way you have handled this.

Karen x

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post :) I love Disney too, me and my husband are watching a lot :D even if I didn't live your story I admire you cause there are many children who passed through this.

Natalia Beroiz said...

This post make me so good :) Love of disney forever!

Kiss, Nati

Unknown said...

This is such a lovely post and a great response :) xxx

Kar Yi said...

So sorry to hear that you've gotten such undeserved hate from blogging :( I don't understand why people would spend their time putting down people they don't even know over the internet!

Personally I like haul posts and of course a beauty blogger usually has more nail polish and makeup than someone who doesn't blog! Keep doing what you're doing :D

Also, I wasn't even aware of your health problems so you definitely don't complain about it. I can't believe people would bully you about conditions that you can't control :(

Stay strong and ignore the haters! It's just their loss that they're unable to channel their time and focus into something positive and good for society!

Jackie said...

Wow, what a deep first post to catch on your blog, but I saw this on Instagram and was intrigued to read.

I'm sure you're a lot stronger than all of the haters out there. I don't understand how or why people feel the need to bully others.

I too was a band kid in high school, and I know the sense of friendship and community it gave me in those years as well. I knew it was more powerful and special than non-band kids could ever know.

PS - following now

xoxo Jackie (aka jackmise)

Elizabeth said...

I've only met you through pictures and Christmas cards over the last 10 years, but I LOVE YOU! You make one of my dearest friends and sweetest man I've ever met happy as he has always deserved. You are an amazing woman - and I still like bows, girly girl and LOVE Disney, especially princesses. (don't have time for the make-up and nail-polish anymore, but LOVE crafts). Now that we are in the same time zone, I can't wait to meet you in person.
Beth (aka - Elizabeth)

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